The Future's So Bright...

If I could wish for my life to be perfect,
it would be tempting but I would have to decline,
for life would no longer teach me anything.

~ Allyson Jones

I gained 1/2 pound last night at weigh in, and I'm ok with that. I know I'm losing: my clothes feel so much looser. One lesson I learned from successfully losing weight once is that the scale is not always the best indicator of how I'm truly doing. It's simply feedback. As the leader of my private weight loss group always says, "The scale is evil and fickle!" Amen to that!

But we had an interesting discussion last night that's been running through my head today. This question was posed to each of us:

If you had to choose an object that represented your future,
what would it be?

It’s an interesting question, don't you think?

The very first thing that came to my mind, without even thinking, was the sun. Why? The sun represents my future because I believe my future is very bright.

I thought after the meeting that the others might have found my answer to be a bit egotistical. It isn’t at all. I don’t think I'm going to cure cancer, or win the lottery, or become the next superstar from American Idol.

But my future feels very bright to me because I'm finally - finally! - beginning to feel at peace with myself.

If you had asked me this question 18 months ago, I would have had a very different response. That was a hard time for me... I had gained back the weight I worked so hard to lose (I was fat!), I was turning 50 (I was old!), and I was finding that my life-long dream of being in business for myself really wasn’t going to work for me (I was a loser!) I felt that I’d let myself down in so many ways. My future felt very dark and unfulfilling.

I guess that’s where the image of the sun comes in. It’s shining once again, and illuminating the path ahead. It's taken me 18 months but I now know that I have many gifts that I can share without being thin, or young, or in business for myself. There is a great sense of peace that comes from knowing you’re not going to be the world’s greatest anything – you’re just going to be who you are, and that’s enough!

Because I’m the curious type, let me pose the same question to you (Leslie, if you’re reading this, I hope you’ll post your wonderful answer from last night!):

If you had to choose an object that represented your future,
what would it be – and why?

Until next time...

A Lighter Heart

Flaming enthusiasm,

backed up by horse sense and persistence,

is the quality that most frequently makes for success.

~Dale Carnegie

My heart and I are celebrating this morning.

I dropped 3.5 pounds at last night's weigh in! That brings my five-week total to 12 pounds, which means I earned some bling (see my side bar.) All that journaling I've been doing is paying off big time. Yay me (heck no, I'm not proud of myself!)

Yesterday when I was rearranging things in one of our closets, I ran across two five-pound dumbbells. When I lifted them to move them to a different spot, I was amazed at how heavy they were. Last night, when I got home from my meeting, I picked up those dumbbells again and handed them to my hubby. I said, "This is how much less weight my legs will have to haul around on our hikes in Alaska. This is how much lighter my heart will be."

He was impressed.

For those of us who have 50, 100, 200 pounds to lose, it can feel overwhelming to think about how far we have to go. And the more you have to lose, the less significant the beginning losses can feel. So do yourself a favor next time you're at the grocery store. Pick up something that weighs the same amount you've lost: a five-pound bag of sugar; a ten-pound sack of potatoes; a 28-pound container of cat litter, etc. Pick up two of everything, if you've worked hard to lose that much! The idea is to realize how much less of a burden your body has to carry. Then put down your load and celebrate the lighter feeling. Your knees, your feet, and your heart will thank you!

Another trick I've learned is to not look too far ahead on this journey. After you celebrate how far you've come, it's easy to get discouraged when you then think how far you still have to go. So don’t do it! Set your sites on your next milestone. I've lost 12 pounds so for me, that milestone is 15 pounds. For right now, I'm not thinking any farther than that. I hope I can encourage you to do the same.

I'm going to celebrate my success this morning by going to Starbucks for a non-fat latte with one Splenda. I need some time to think about how I'm going to teach verbs to my student tonight. He's a wiz at nouns and adjectives and pronouns, but I need to find a way to teach him that verbs are all about action. Maybe I'll have him look at this sentence to pick out the verbs:

Pattie has lost 12 pounds, and she's one very happy camper!

Until next time...

HYC / Less Neurotic?

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds

if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

~ Doug Larson

My weigh-in won’t happen until Tuesday night, but I’m feeling good about the past two weeks. I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been pretty darn fine! I’ve tracked my food for 12 out the past 14 days, and I know that will help at the scale. More importantly, I can feel a difference in my body. Progress, not perfection!

The latest issue of Bon Appétit magazine has a fascinating article called "The Food Writer’s Diet." Melissa Clark, food writer and cookbook author, eats for a living (can you imagine such a thing??) Yet she maintains a svelte figure – and evidently, is not the only one of her colleagues with this distinction.

Clark claims the key to being a thin professional eater is eating only the foods she truly loves, but less of them – and none of the foods she doesn’t like or want. She eats a little of the yummy stuff, then supplements with fruits and veggies to help keep her full. She also won’t eat foods that are bland and unappetizing.

I can’t honestly say the same about my diet. I can think of many times I’ve continued to eat something that wasn’t very exciting, not even particularly tasty -- but it was there. So I continued eating it. Does that sound at all familiar?

The article offers a few other tips worth noting, some of which we already know. Never skip a meal; have a healthy snack like an apple before dinner; practice portion control and conscious eating; always leave food on your plate; exercise often and with intensity.

But the thing that keeps running through my head is the closing paragraphs:

… the most important way that food writers control their eating is, ironically, by not being too controlling… I really think the happier and less neurotic you are about what you’re eating, the less likely you’ll become big as a house.

Think about the basic idea behind that hugely popular book, The Secret. The Law of Attraction says that we draw to ourselves the same energy we expend into the world. So if we’re miserable and constantly thinking about how deprived we feel when we’re dieting, doesn’t it stand to reason that this is exactly the kind of negative energy we’ll keep attracting back to ourselves?

Or to put it in a less new-agey kind of way: if you hate what you’re eating and hate your life because you can’t have any of the good stuff – why in the world do you expect to successful at losing weight? How long can you keep it up?

Not for long. I know. Been there and done that. Willpower doesn’t work for very long; deprivation doesn’t work at all. Tell me I can’t have a slice of cake and that’s exactly what I focus on – having a slice of cake (or two or three because I felt so deprived, poor me!)

So what do you think? Is there something to the idea of being less neurotic and obsessive about what we put in our mouths, and choosing to eat a little of the foods that make us happiest? Would this make a difference on our journey toward good health? I'm curious what you think.


Until next time…

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Scale

If you bite it, you write it!

If you nibble it, you scribble it!

~ Weight Watchers mantra

Have you seen the latest news? A new study finds that dieters can double their weight loss by writing down everything they eat.

A pain the rear? Amen! But effective? You betcha!

Time magazine, and several other news outlets, are reporting the striking new results of a paper published in the August issue of the American Journal of Preventative Medicine. Time states:

Scientists at several clinical-research centers in the U.S. found that dieters who kept a food diary lost twice as much weight as those who didn't.

I'm certainly not surprised, since I'm living proof of the theory. When I write down the foods I consume, I lose weight. When I don't keep my journal, I tend to gain weight.

Why? Again, the Time article says it best:

While most people think they know what they eat, they really have only a general idea and tend to have selective memory, especially when it comes to the foods that aren't so good for us. With a detailed food diary, you can see where those extra calories are coming from.

Tracking what I'm consuming every day keeps me conscious and aware of how much I'm eating AND of what kinds of foods I'm choosing. I track not only food and Points (yes, I follow Weight Watchers) but also how many fruits and veggies I eat each day, how much dairy I get in, and how many glasses of water I down.

I also try and take it one step beyond by noting the exercise I do and then, at the end of the day, to note three things I'm grateful for. I have to admit that I don't always take time to do the latter, but I also don't always get in all my fruits, nor do I get out and walk as often as I'd like. Sue me - I'm not perfect! And that's ok. If I write down what I eat and stay within my daily calorie limit, I'll likely lose weight.

Here's the latest version of my food diary, created as an Excel spreadsheet then cut in half. Click on the photo if you want to see the gory details:

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I get so incredibly bored with keeping track of my eating. So I need to mix up the format every once in a while. I used to put fun stickers all over the sheets of a small spiral notebook. Seeing the food entries surrounded by stickers saying, "You Rock!" or "Great Job!" would always make me smile. Now I don't need that so much (hey, I get my cheerleading from all of you -- and boy, am I grateful!)

Just like with everything having to do with good health in general and weight loss in particular, no one way is right for everyone. But I believe that this latest study is pretty compelling. So if you've been on the fence about tracking your food intake, just to see what you truly do consume in a day, let these latest findings give you that nudge over the edge. Remember, even doing it for a couple of days will likely prove very enlightening, as long as you're honest with yourself and write down every morsel (yes, those three M&M's do count!)

None of us have to be perfect at this process. We just have to keep moving forward. It's all about progress, not perfection!

Until next time...

One Step Forward

Dreams and dedication are a powerful combination.

~ William Longgood

Thanks to all of you who posted words of encouragement yesterday. I sure appreciate being able to write out all the conflicting emotions that were going on inside my head over the tutoring experience. I'm feeling much calmer about it today, after speaking yesterday to the folks who run the literacy program. I am prepared now to go back tonight and give Mark the help he needs -- at the more advanced level he's at. It's all good!

MizFit hit the nail on the head when she left a comment, asking about my almost-overwhelming need to hit a fast food joint after I tutored. She wondered if I knew what triggered it:

... the overwhelmingness of the situation/experience? ( I so felt that when I tutored. prepared to help and yet felt wholly inadequate at times...)

That's exactly the feeling had when I left the Work Furlough facility. So anxious, so conflicted. But I did not give in to the siren call of fast food because I knew I was looking for comfort that food could not bring me. I just wanted the anxiety I was feeling to stop, and that's not on the menu at Taco Bell (think of the fortune they'd make, if it were!) Instead, I was comforted by my hubby when I got home, had my fears allied by the folks at the literacy program, and I got lots of support from everyone here in blogland! Thank you.

AND I'm very proud to report that I lost another 2.5 pounds last night at weigh in. That's 8.5 pounds in three weeks. I am one happy camper!

We CAN do whatever we set our minds to!


Until next time...

Healthy Me Check-in and Encouragement

Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble
the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of
praise or encouragement -- and we will make the goal.

~ Jerome P. Fleishman

It's been another good week for me, as far as healthy eating goes. I've written down everything I've eaten (included that fabulous hot dog and popcorn at Saturday night's movie!) I've stayed within my Points, with a few to spare. But I have to admit that it was tougher this week. I wasn’t quite as calm about it all as I was the first two weeks. Nerves? Hormones? Who knows! I was tempted more often, but I stuck it out. Weigh in is tonight... we'll see.

* * * * *

Last night was my first tutoring event. Talk about an emotional eating experience! I was far too nervous to eat anything before I went, but after... boy, the pull to stop on my way home for some kind of fast-food comfort fix was incredibly strong! I just kept telling myself, "Go home and eat something good there." I made it - but again, the temptation to calm myself with food was really strong (which as we all know, brings about five actual minutes of comfort, then you're back to square one!)

It was an interesting experience, going into this minimum security facility to tutor. The room where we meet is in the men's section and luckily, one of my fellow tutors was there to escort me to the room we're allowed to use. She and I chatted while we set up, then I waited for Mark. Turns out he's a young man of 20, with deep piercing eyes and arms covered with tattoos. I started out by asking him to tell me a little about himself and his goals. One of the things he mentioned a few times is that he loves to draw. And he's really motivated to earn his GED. That's his primary goal at this point, and he's been studying hard on his own to make that happen. He'll be released in December and is ready to pull his life together.

I have to admit to being at a bit of a loss of what to do to help him, however. I had him do some cold reading of material I thought for sure he'd stumble on. He didn’t falter one bit. Even the words I'd thought might catch him up were not a problem. I had him answer the questions following the reading, to check on his comprehension. No problem there: he got every one right. Then I gave him pencil and paper and asked him to write down his goals for me. He wrote a full paragraph, correctly spelled and punctuated. I found myself thinking, "Now what??" I went in expecting to teach this young man phonetics and site words and find that he's a very capable young man. I'm so pleased for him, but I've got a call in to the folks who supervise the literacy program to ask where I go next.

Part of my goal last night was to encourage him as much as possible, and I found that very easy to do since he is so capable. At the end of our time together, we shook hands and he left the room. As I was gathering my things, feeling a bit confused on where to go next with him, I heard the door open. I looked up and it was Mark. He said, "I wanted to show you some of the drawings I did." He brought in two pencil sketches he'd done of eagles, their talons clasping wood in one picture, and fish in another. The drawings were incredibly well done - this guy is really good! I encouraged him to think about pursuing graphic design training after he gets his GED.

Can I tell you how good that felt to me, that he went back to his cell and got these drawings to show me? I left there beaming! It truly reinforced my belief that what most of us need in life is a little encouragement, someone to say, "You bet you can do it!"

One last thing... and don’t you dare laugh! When I'm nervous, I tend to perspire from my head. Well, I was very nervous last night. For some reason, this triggered a hot flash. The whole time I was with my learner, trying to be helpful and encouraging, I'm mopping my face and fanning myself for dear life! He must have thought I was melting - and I was!

So much for first impressions, eh? :-)

Until next time...

You Become What You Think About

Listen to the Musn't's child,

Listen to the Don't's.
Listen to the Shouldn't's,

the Impossibles, the Won't's.
Listen to the Never Haves,

then Listen close to me:
Anything can happen, child,

Anything can Be!

~ Shel Silverstein

Drum roll, please... I lost six pounds last night at weigh in! Woo hoo! I'm a happy camper!

I've been thinking a lot lately about thinking. Specifically, how our thoughts can make or break us in life. I'm reading a great little book right now (recommend by Rebecca over at Ready Maid) called Being in Balance, by Dr. Wayne Dyer. He has a wonderful way of putting it:

You get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

Pretty simple, but pretty powerful. If you think that making a change in your life (like paying your bills on time, or losing weight, or being a better a friend) is hard, then it will be hard. But if you look at the positive aspects of what you're doing, the experience will be positive. Yep, it's that old Law of Attraction idea: you draw to you the same energy you put out to the world.

I struggle with being too hard on myself, and I know from experience that I'm not alone in that. I am encouraging of others who take a step and fall. But when I do it? Oh boy - the inner tirades begin! But these past two weeks, I worked on letting go of past mistakes and instead focused on how good it felt to be eating healthy again. I created very positive thoughts that translated into very positive actions.

So here's an idea:

What if we all focus on the positive things about ourselves?

Quick! Name all the areas where you think you’re lacking. Go ahead - I'll wait. :-)

You can probably make a long list, can’t you? I’m not smart, I’m not thin, I’m not wealthy, I’m not stylish, I’m not active… I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!

How about listing all the things you are?

Focusing on the positive parts of ourselves is much more of a challenge because we’re used to looking at all the ways we think we don’t measure up. We’ve set a self-imposed standard inside us that constantly points out our shortcomings.

So here's my challenge for all of us today: take time to write down all of the good things you are. If you’re having trouble making a list, ask a trusted friend or loved one what they see as your strengths. It’s time we start defining ourselves in terms of what we ARE, not what we aren't. Remember Dr. Dyer's words: You become what you think about.

I'm a proud and capable woman who is six pounds lighter today! What are you?


Until next time...

I Need Help

Eating everything you want is not that much fun.

When you live a life with no boundaries,

there’s less joy. ~ Tom Hanks

First: For those of you who entered, I’ll be announcing the winner of my contest at some point this week. I promise!

* * * * *

I am the queen of a positive attitude. I believe with all my heart that how we think about the world becomes how we experience the world. So I try to always look at the good in every situation, to smile at others so they'll pass it along to someone else, to stay optimistic.

Well, the queen is having an attitude meltdown and needs some help.

I have issues with food. Some people can’t handle alcohol; others can’t handle gambling. Some people turn to drugs for comfort, others run up their credit cards.

Me? I eat. Waaaay too much. Food becomes little green monster that rules my life.

This is not news. I've had this problem since I was a child. But what continues to surprise me, at the ripe old age of 51, is that I still abuse food - even though I know better. I know it never meets my needs; I know it causes my body tremendous harm. I know these things, yet I eat food that's bad for me, and way too much of it.

I have GERD - you know, that condition they call acid reflux? It gets worse as I gain weight and right now, it's the worst it's ever been because my weight is the highest it's ever been. I had a bad attack at 2:00 this morning, and as I sat here desperate to breathe without the burning, sipping baking soda water to neutralize the acid in my esophagus, I just kept thinking, "Why? Why do you do this? Why did you eat that big steak for dinner, knowing this could happen?"

I have spent my entire life as an overweight person. The only time I have been at a normal weight was when I lost 50 pounds with Weight Watchers a few years back. It took me two years to lose the weight (I had many lessons to learn!) and I kept it off successfully for a little over two years. Then I gained it all back within seven months, and gradually have put on another 15 pounds. I say this only to put things into context...

I know I can lose the weight. I did it once; I can do it again. But what's taken the place of my usual positive attitude in this instance is cynicism. There is a voice inside me that says, "Why bother trying: you're just going to gain it all back again."

Does that sound familiar to anyone?

I hit a wall at 2:00 this morning. It’s time to make changes back to the things that used to feel so good. I loved walking every day; I loved searching out new fruits and veggies to try. I loved watching my medications disappear one by one, as I got more and more healthy (the pill for GERD was the first to go.) And I loved having the energy to live the kind of life I enjoy. I do NOT want to make this journey about the number on the scale. I want it to be about vigor and health, about having the strength to embrace and experience life as I want to live it.

I am humbled once again by how hard this process is. When I lost those 50 pounds, I think I got cocky and felt that I’d never gain them back. Hell, I was an enthusiastic and insightful Weight Watcher leader: I had all the answers! I had done tremendous internal work about why I overate – I was cured!

But I’m not cured, and I never will be.


(sigh) The journey begins once again.


Until next time…

There Was a Little Girl...

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Several folks lately have been posting photos of themselves as wee ones. I think it started with a challenge from Felicia. I couldn't resist getting in on the act! Luckily, my dear cousin Kristi gave me a scrapbook for my 50th birthday last year, which contained several photos to choose from. The one above is me circa 1958.

I heard that poem recited to me from the time I can remember. Yes, I have naturally curly hair, which was the bane of my existence most of my life, until I got smart and realized it was a gift. And guess where I got it from?

Yep, that's me and my Mom, in a photo taken by my Dad. He was an amateur photographer and we were his favorite subjects. No wonder: there were a lot of curls between the two of us!

And then I started to grow up...

This was me in 1963, at the ripe old age of six. Hey, I think that cardigan is back in style again!

I've been thinking about Hanlie's comment on her post with her childhood photos, wondering what she would say to her younger self if she had the chance. I know I would like to somehow reach back in time, hug my little self, and say, "Yep, you're a little chubby. Don't worry about it: you're a terrific kid with so much to offer the world!" I know it's a tough lesson to teach a child, but some how I'd like little me to understand that she was good enough just as she was, extra pounds and all.

When I look at that photo in retrospect, I know there was such a rough road ahead. I really internalized the cultural message that being fat was not ok, which meant that I was not ok. As I grew older, anorexia became more prevalent. I remember thinking when Karen Carpenter died, "You mean, women would rather die than look like me? I must be disgusting." I wish I could somehow help mini-me to understand that I was not my body, and that I was a talented, funny, loving and compassionate girl. I think had I been able to understand and accept this about myself, instead of hating myself for being fat, I may not have had the need to eat to fill up the holes in my very young heart.

But who knows? Maybe I would have over-eaten just because it all tasted so good!

What I do know is that being an overweight child, young adult, and grown-up person has formed the woman I am today. It's like the wrinkles on my face: every one of them came from an expereince that has shaped who and what I am. I still battle those extra pounds, and probably will for the rest of my life. But at least now I know that I'm ok, that I am good enough just as I am.


Until next time...

Better Late Than Never

Behavior is what a man does,

not what he thinks, feels, or believes. ~ Anonymous

I'm doing my Healthy You Check-In a day late because my weigh-in is Tuesday night. I guess I'll always be behind the rest of you, but better late than never, eh?

I'm down another two pounds! That makes four toward my mini-goal of losing 10.6 by July 1st. I'm a happy camper.

But I know this was an undeserved loss. You know what I'm talking about: the scale shows that you're down but in your heart, you know your behavior didn't warrant the results. Usually we feel that way when we've worked really hard and the scale shows only a tiny loss, or even a gain. But I'm feeling this week like I got away with something.

I'm not putting myself down: I'm being real. I did some things right, but not enough for two pounds. When I look at my behavior this past week - journaling only part of the time, no exercise, forgetting to write down the things I'm grateful for each day - I can see that the loss was a fluke.

And part of me is breathing a sigh of relief: I'm much rather see a loss than a gain. I am human, after all!

What this brings to mind for me is how we all give so much power to that darn scale. It can make or break our mood in the blink of an eye, and we forget to trust ourselves and in our behavior. If we know we're doing everything right, everything we need to be doing, why do we allow that stupid little gizmo to make us lose all confidence in ourselves?

Learn to trust in yourself and know that the scale will catch up to your behavior (good or bad!) in its own sweet time.


Until next time...

I Did It!

We should be taught not to wait for
inspiration to start a thing.
Action always generates inspiration.
Inspiration seldom generates action. ~ Frank Tibolt

Guess what I did yesterday?

I WENT TO THE GYM!

I know some of you are probably going, "Ho hum - I go to the gym all the time." That's what I used to say, too. But I haven't been in almost a year. I was afraid the roof would collapse when I walked through the doors. :-)

Things have changed since I was there last, of course. But I was happy to note that all my favorite machine were still there. I did a five-minute warm-up on the treadmill, then worked all the major muscles in my body. Nothing strenuous, and I used light weights. It was hard to start over, but it felt great!

I am on my way once again to becoming a calorie burning machine.

Can I put on my former Weight Watcher Leader's hat for a minute?

If any of you out there are looking for a way to ramp up your weight loss or to change the shape of your body, please check into strength training. Unlike popular notions, you will not end up looking like Mr. Schwarzenegger. We women just don't have enough testosterone in our bodies for that to happen. The women you see who are body builders, with large, chiseled muscles, have to work out a LOT to make that happen, a lot more than you and I ever will.

Muscle burns calories: it's as simple as that. Increasing your muscle mass is the one true way to boost your metabolism. If I could find a way to bottle that benefit, I'd be a rich woman!

And let's quell another misunderstanding, one that stops a lot of us from strength training: muscle does not weigh more than fat.

I know -- you read that everywhere you turn. But think about it: a pound is a pound is a pound. A pound of lead and a pound of feathers both weigh a pound, right? The difference is in the volume, the space they take up. A pound of lead would fit in the palm of your hand. A pound of feathers would fill a room.

It's the same with muscle and fat. A pound of muscle is very tight and compact, but it still weighs a pound. A pound of fat is very loose and takes up lots of space on our body, but it still weighs a pound. That's why two women standing side by side, both the same height and both weighing 200 pounds, can look very different. One can even wear smaller clothes. The 200-pound woman who looks smaller has more muscle mass, so she's more compact, even though she weighs the same as the woman standing next to her.

Yes, there can be some small weight gain when you first begin to build muscle. It has to do with the water held by the muscle cells, or some such thing (this is where my knowledge ends - I'm not a physiologist!) Don't let that deter you from strength training, however. It will go away and you will become a much more efficient calorie burning machine.

* * * * *

Ok, I'm going to take off my Leader's hat now, and speak as the humble, overweight woman that I am to tell you that it feels SO good to have gone to the gym! I have lots of information in my head about how to lose weight. It feels good to have taken action. As my friend Eve says, we need to get out of our heads and stop thinking so much, and just do it!

Until next time...

True Confessions

Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign

with a good grace all that you are not.

~ Henri Frederic Amiel

I used to be a Leader for Weight Watchers.

There - I've said it!

That's really a hard thing for me to tell people. I imagine what they must think when they look at me now. I mean, I wear my failure at my former job on the outside for all the world to see.

I'm really hard on myself when it comes to this issue, in case you couldn't tell. I would never, ever be this critical of another person in the same situation. But inside of me, there's a voice that says, "You should know better. You were a successful WW Leader."

And I was successful: I led thirteen meetings every week, reaching over 300 people. I helped numerous people learn to believe in themselves and reach their goal weight. Most important to me: I helped people realize that attitude effects every area of our life, including -and perhaps, most critically - this weight loss journey. If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right. (Henry Ford)

I believe all of that in my heart of hearts. Which is why it's so hard to run into a former member of mine, as I did yesterday. I was doing my duty as a federal grand juror: she was a witness on one of the cases we were hearing. The first feeling I had was of shame and wanting to run away before she saw me. Then the adult in me took over. I had to remind her who I was. Now, to be fair, it's hard sometimes to remember people when they're out of the context of where we usually see them. But I also know that adding 50 pounds to a body changes its appearance substantially.

I have been overweight my entire life, then I successfully lost weight on the Weight Watchers plan. I went to Leader Training the same week I made Lifetime membership. I spent no time living with myself as a thin person before I became a leader and started focusing on others. Big mistake: I know it and they know it. Now there's a rule that one must be at goal weight for at least six months before becoming a leader.

Before you think I'm blaming WW, I am not. I loved being a leader! I love the program and still believe it's the healthiest, sanest plan out there. Meeting and encouraging all those incredible people week after week has been one of the highlights of my life. But I didn't take the time I should have to experience life as a thin, healthy woman. There was a lesson somewhere along the line that I didn't learn, so life is presenting it to me once again.

So there's my true confession. I am trying hard to let go of the idea that I should know better because of what I used to do for a living, and that's going to take some time and a whole lotta self-love. Twenty years ago, I had to stop smoking twice before it finally clicked and stuck. I will get healthy again, although maybe never as thin as I was when I worked for WW. And that's OK with me.

Until next time...

It All Comes Down to a Decision

The hardest thing to learn in life is
which bridge to cross
and which to burn. ~ David Russell

Boy, have I got a bad case of "I-don't-give-a-darn" today. Too bad, too: the sun is shining, it's warm and beautiful... I saw a rabbit by the birdbath this morning when I opened the blinds. It's a great day for taking a walk and for counting my blessings.

And all I can focus on is being fat.

I had my weight support group last night, and I was back to weighing what I did at the first of the year. I know from having done this before that I'm farting around, not really committing to losing weight. We talked about this last night, and Oprah has said it many times: it all comes down to the decision to lose weight.

I've been conducting a bit of an experiment these last two weeks. I wanted to try focusing on the walking and not on the food. But this past week, I haven't focused on anything other than eating whatever/whenever I wanted. I felt the results in my body and, more importantly, in my spirit long before I stepped on the scale last night.

I am so tired of having weight be the thing that defines me, the issue that shapes my entire life. I've fought this since I was a child and, with the exception of the two years I was thin after losing 50 pounds with Weight Watchers, I've lived my whole life as an overweight woman. I am trying to decide if I want to live whatever years I have left, beating myself up over the same issue.

Is it really possible to change my focus, to put my emphasis on walking for good health (and for Alaska!) and not worry about what the scale shows? Can I truly feel comfortable in saying, "I am an overweight woman and I love myself just as I am." Would it be possible to stop worrying about what I'm eating day in and day out, and simply enjoy the rest of my life?

I sure don't have the answers this morning, but I know that I'm awfully tired of dealing with the questions.


Until next time...

Sugar, Sugar

Vegetables are a must on a diet.

I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread,

and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

I am eating waaaaay too much sugar lately. You know how that goes: the more sugar you eat, the more of it crave. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. The worst part is that right now, I don't seem very interested in breaking the habit. I've been trying to figure out what that's happening. And I've begin to wonder...

Is it because I'm walking more?

When I decided last week to start getting stronger for Alaska, I said I was going to put my focus on exercise and not worry quite so much about diet. After all, if I can hike all over the Kenai Peninsula six months from now, would I care if the scale hasn't budged from what it reads today? Does the number matter as long as I can be as active as I desire?

The answer, in theory, is no.

But the reality is something very different.

When I don't focus on eating healthy, I get way off track with my eating. Out-of-control, who-gives-a-damn kind of off track. It's as if the little girl inside me starts jumping up and down, saying, "Yippee! I get to eat whatever I want!" The result is that I've had more sugar headaches and food hangovers this week than I've had in a long time.

I also wonder if that little girl inside me -- or perhaps it's the cunning adult within! -- is saying, "You know, you're moving more now. That frees you up to be able to eat what you want. Trust me on this."

So, the good news is that I walked three times this past week, which is 100% more than I've been doing. The bad news is that I'm not training for a marathon! Walking three times doesn't offset the poison I've been putting into my body.

I seem to have forgotten the second part of the "secret" formula for losing weight:

Move a little more and eat a little LESS!

Until next time...

Taking Action - Yay Me!

I'd rather wear out than rust out.

~ George Whitefield

I did it! I walked for 30 minutes today!

Now this may not seem much to brag about to some of you, but for me, it's HUGE. I've been a major couch potato for many, many months now, and could almost feel things rusting inside me. I know I may even be sore tomorrow: it's been that long.

I think our bodies are like automobiles in so many ways. We need quality fuel (AKA healthy food) to keep us going... routine maintenance so individual parts will stay in top running order. We also require regular use, to keep everything free from corrosion.

The simple exercise of walking is so good for the machine we call our body. It keeps our joints lubricated, our bones strong, our muscles limber. The heart starts pumping like a finely tuned engine. Walking also lifts our spirits and helps keep depression in check. And the best news is that it doesn’t require a gym membership or fancy equipment. I know all this, yet here I've been sitting for over a year.

Fighting against the inertia that's been my best friend lately is an incredible challenge. But I keep remembering how good it used to feel to walk every day; to tackle and conquer the huge hill behind my house; to go out in the sun and the rain, enjoying the feel of the weather on my very strong (and dare I say it - sexy?) legs.

I want that all again.

So I'm writing today to remember how good I feel at this moment and how proud I am of myself. I'm also very grateful to Rosemary for going with me this morning.

Hip, hip hurrah -- I'm on my way!

Until next time...

One Step at a Time

I will persist until I succeed.

Always will I take another step.

If that is of no avail I will take another,

and yet another.

In truth, one step at a time is not too difficult...

I know that small attempts, repeated,

will complete any undertaking. ~ Og Mandino

I had a quilting class last night, the second in a 15-week series. We learned to make a log cabin block, which is pictured above. You can see that it's made up of lots of tiny pieces of fabric, all joined together. It starts with the center square, then you add fabric to the right, then the bottom, then the left, then the top, continuing on around until the block is completed.

As I was driving home last night, I began to realize how much this quilting process is like the journey we take to get healthier.

That center square is me, and as I begin to move toward a healthier lifestyle, I add on another piece to my life. Perhaps the first piece is drinking enough water every day; the next might be adding more fruits and veggies into my day; the next could be cutting out all fast-food.

Soon, the overall quilt pattern begins to emerge and the excitement builds. There will come a day when my clothes will feel looser and my energy will increase. This will help me keep going as I begin to see the new healthy me emerge. Eventually, I'll add the outer pieces, which will be smaller clothes and no more medications for blood pressure and cholesterol.

Whether quilting or getting healthy, it's a step-by-step process that requires an investment of time, patience and a vision for what will be. I'm creating the quilt of my healthy life and I will succeed -- as long as I don't give up.

Until next time...

Healthy Me Check-In: Reclaiming my Mojo!

What you do speaks so loud

I cannot hear what you say.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

This has not been such a good week in terms of my behavior and my attitude. As I mentioned yesterday, I'm struggling to regain the self-confidence I had just a short while ago. In thinking about why I've lost my mojo, I believe it boils down to this: I don't keep the promises I make to myself. This seems to be the area where a lot of us -- me included -- get stuck.

If I say I'm going to walk today, I need to keep that commitment to myself. I wouldn't let a friend down: why do I let myself down?

Aren't I worth the effort?

YES I AM!

I so strongly believe in what old Mr. Emerson had to say in the quote above. It's time for me to start DOING what I say I'm going to do. I'm creating a negative energy around myself by not taking action, and the more of it I create, the more depressed I become, then the more I eat to make it all go away. Egad!

My two goals for this coming week are to journal each and every day, and to walk three times. If I walk more than that, hurrah for me!

It's time to create some positive energy because I want my mojo back!

I AM worth the effort.


Until next time...

Do I Believe in Myself?

In the province of the mind,

what one believes to be true either is true

or becomes true. ~ John Lilly

Diana over at Scale Junkie posed an interesting question today, one that's really got my wheels turning: Do you believe in yourself?

If you had asked me that question a year ago, the answer would have been a loud and resounding YES! I was struggling with my weight, certainly. But I was filled with self-confidence about starting my own motivational speaking business, writing a book, etc. I believed that I could do anything I set my mind to.

Today, not so much.

Gaining back all fifty pounds I'd lost certainly plays a part in things, but I don't think that's the complete answer to why I no longer think I can conquer the world. So what happened? Where did that confident person go?

I turned 50 last year, and as silly as it sounds to write it down, that took the wind out of my sails in a big way. More of my life was behind me than in front of me. But instead of letting that thought galvanize me into action, I've allowed myself to feel old.

It doesn't help that I've got the perimenopausal fuzzy head that affects so many of us at this age. I forget things all the time: simple things, like the time a quilting class starts or what time I should be at a doctor's appointment. I've never been a pretty woman, but I've always known I could count on my mind, my intellect, my ability to organize and reason and be a confident leader. Not any more -- or at least, not right now.

Perhaps it's all part of some kind of mid-life crisis that's still going on. I keep asking myself what's really important? What truly matters in the big scheme of things. Is it a number on the scale or the size of clothing in my closet? I don't think so. But is it about being able to go hiking with my husband, or to one day be able to chase around the grandchildren that I hope will come along? That's what this healthy journey has become about for me.

So, do I believe in myself? I can only softly say a small "kind of" today. But I'll keep working on the issue so that I can hopefully one day yell a loud, YOU BET I DO!

Until next time...

Local Food Movement

Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables.

They probably get jet-lagged, just like people.

~ Elizabeth Berry

As I look at ways to get healthier, I am becoming more and more interested in the idea of eating locally. This means buying food from my local farmers market as often as I can which, in southern California, is almost every week of the year (I know - I'm very lucky!)

There are lots of large-scale benefits of eating locally: it helps the environment; it supports our local economy, etc. I like the idea of doing what I can to help in these areas. But the bottom line is this: what's in it for you and me?

The answer is: plenty!

The more locally grown foods I consume, the less processed junk I eat. And it's those cheap processed foods that make me fat and unhealthy. If, for example, I make more own salsa with fresh tomatoes, fresh onions, fresh cilantro, I have better control over the sodium, the added oils, and certainly the chemicals that I put into my body. That these ingredients are grown locally, thus avoiding damage from transporting produce, reducing the carbon footprint from shipping, etc., etc. is an added benefit.

I also love the idea of living a simpler and slower life. This is a hard one for any of us to achieve, I know! Most days, I can barely keep my head above water, with all that needs to be done and all that I want to experience. The Slow Food Movement is part of this, the reverse of eating fast food. It's about taking time to plan, to shop wisely, to prepare and eat our food in ways that sustain both our bodies and our spirits.

There is a wealth of information out there on eating locally, slow food, etc. One of my favorite magazines, Edible Ojai (which is a lovely town here in Ventura County, California) comes from a great publisher, Edible Communities. http://www.ediblecommunities.com/. They have magazines from cities and towns all across the country. See if there's one near you.

I encourage you to research the issues regarding the local food movement. I certainly have a lot more to learn, and I need to make time to practice what I preach. It's all about investing in my health and our future.

Until next time...

P.S. A huge thank you to all those who posted get well wishes. Your care and concern meant a great deal to me. Isn't it a wonderful thing to feel well after being sick? Makes you feel like you can conquer the world!

Healthy Me Check-In

Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed

must be interrupted.

~Johann Paul Friedrich Richter

I'll do my official weekly weigh-in tonight at my support group meeting. Last week, I was down half a pound. Yahoo! But who knows what tonight will bring.

I have been sick as a dog for the past twenty-four hours.

It may be the flu, although I had my flu shot last fall. I'm no longer throwing up, but I'm awfully achy this morning. But I've wondered if it's something more...

I haven't journaled since Friday morning, and because I stopped being accountable to myself, I allowed lots of extra food to sneak in: a larger portion of this, a bowl-full of that. I'm very well aware that I'm way over my calories for the week.

Although I may have the flu, it also feels like my body is saying, "Enough is enough!"

I think sometimes we have to be really sick before we can appreciate how great being healthy feels. So I'm going to take this 24-hour bug and use it as a springboard to get back on track. Even if the scale doesn't budge for weeks and weeks, I KNOW I feel so much better when I treat my body with the respect it deserves.

Until next time...