When you live a life with no boundaries,
there’s less joy. ~ Tom Hanks
First: For those of you who entered, I’ll be announcing the winner of my contest at some point this week. I promise!
* * * * *
I am the queen of a positive attitude. I believe with all my heart that how we think about the world becomes how we experience the world. So I try to always look at the good in every situation, to smile at others so they'll pass it along to someone else, to stay optimistic.
Well, the queen is having an attitude meltdown and needs some help.
I have issues with food. Some people can’t handle alcohol; others can’t handle gambling. Some people turn to drugs for comfort, others run up their credit cards.
Me? I eat. Waaaay too much. Food becomes little green monster that rules my life.
This is not news. I've had this problem since I was a child. But what continues to surprise me, at the ripe old age of 51, is that I still abuse food - even though I know better. I know it never meets my needs; I know it causes my body tremendous harm. I know these things, yet I eat food that's bad for me, and way too much of it.
I have GERD - you know, that condition they call acid reflux? It gets worse as I gain weight and right now, it's the worst it's ever been because my weight is the highest it's ever been. I had a bad attack at 2:00 this morning, and as I sat here desperate to breathe without the burning, sipping baking soda water to neutralize the acid in my esophagus, I just kept thinking, "Why? Why do you do this? Why did you eat that big steak for dinner, knowing this could happen?"
I have spent my entire life as an overweight person. The only time I have been at a normal weight was when I lost 50 pounds with Weight Watchers a few years back. It took me two years to lose the weight (I had many lessons to learn!) and I kept it off successfully for a little over two years. Then I gained it all back within seven months, and gradually have put on another 15 pounds. I say this only to put things into context...
I know I can lose the weight. I did it once; I can do it again. But what's taken the place of my usual positive attitude in this instance is cynicism. There is a voice inside me that says, "Why bother trying: you're just going to gain it all back again."
Does that sound familiar to anyone?
I hit a wall at 2:00 this morning. It’s time to make changes back to the things that used to feel so good. I loved walking every day; I loved searching out new fruits and veggies to try. I loved watching my medications disappear one by one, as I got more and more healthy (the pill for GERD was the first to go.) And I loved having the energy to live the kind of life I enjoy. I do NOT want to make this journey about the number on the scale. I want it to be about vigor and health, about having the strength to embrace and experience life as I want to live it.
I am humbled once again by how hard this process is. When I lost those 50 pounds, I think I got cocky and felt that I’d never gain them back. Hell, I was an enthusiastic and insightful Weight Watcher leader: I had all the answers! I had done tremendous internal work about why I overate – I was cured!
But I’m not cured, and I never will be.
Until next time…