Wednesday, February 27, 2008

It All Comes Down to a Decision

The hardest thing to learn in life is
which bridge to cross
and which to burn. ~ David Russell

Boy, have I got a bad case of "I-don't-give-a-darn" today. Too bad, too: the sun is shining, it's warm and beautiful... I saw a rabbit by the birdbath this morning when I opened the blinds. It's a great day for taking a walk and for counting my blessings.

And all I can focus on is being fat.

I had my weight support group last night, and I was back to weighing what I did at the first of the year. I know from having done this before that I'm farting around, not really committing to losing weight. We talked about this last night, and Oprah has said it many times: it all comes down to the decision to lose weight.

I've been conducting a bit of an experiment these last two weeks. I wanted to try focusing on the walking and not on the food. But this past week, I haven't focused on anything other than eating whatever/whenever I wanted. I felt the results in my body and, more importantly, in my spirit long before I stepped on the scale last night.

I am so tired of having weight be the thing that defines me, the issue that shapes my entire life. I've fought this since I was a child and, with the exception of the two years I was thin after losing 50 pounds with Weight Watchers, I've lived my whole life as an overweight woman. I am trying to decide if I want to live whatever years I have left, beating myself up over the same issue.

Is it really possible to change my focus, to put my emphasis on walking for good health (and for Alaska!) and not worry about what the scale shows? Can I truly feel comfortable in saying, "I am an overweight woman and I love myself just as I am." Would it be possible to stop worrying about what I'm eating day in and day out, and simply enjoy the rest of my life?

I sure don't have the answers this morning, but I know that I'm awfully tired of dealing with the questions.

Until next time...


Hanlie said...

Hang in there Pattie! I so identify with what you're saying... and I just know that we can't stop trying, but we may have to do things differently from now on. Diets don't work. Calorie restriction doesn't work, especially as you get older. Eating healthy food and exercising work. Then we have to start identifying what constitutes healthy food... it's a journey. Mary-Ann Shearer is launching the 100 Days to Health campaign on her website - maybe you should look into that. At the moment it's free.

Love your honesty!

Ready Maid said...

Sweet Pattie,
One of the things that Oprah said, which made a great deal of sense to me is this: "If you work on what's eating you, you won't have to work on what you're eating."

Peeling back the layers is difficult and often painful, but the results are well worth it.

I sense a very strong woman in you, waiting for permission to come forth. Welcome her to center stage.

Have you checked out "A New Earth," the book Oprah is promoting for her 10-week webinar beginning Monday, March 3?

Chubby Chick said...

I know what you mean. I get SO sick of this weight loss thing sometimes. I get sick of thinking about it every minute of every day. But I know that I have to do something about it... and the sooner the better.

Hang in there! You are NOT alone! :)

Grumpy Chair said...

I always joke "welcome to hell" but unfortunately it is so true and not that funny.

Ready Maid's comments are something I am walking away with this afernoon.

Pattie, I am doing a lot of soul searching right now, to help me get rid of this fat. I let you know what I am reading once I figure it out.

~♥ BetsC ♥~ said...

Hi Pattie,

Don't let what has happened in the past have any control over what you choose to do today.

Perhaps, if you ask yourself ...What do I need to do to become a healthier, happy person?

You may find that your answer will guide you down the right path.

Hugs, BetsC

Felicia said...

Oh man someone needs a *BIG HUG* so sending one your way. You can do this. YOu just have to find your way. You are not failing because you gained, you just are figuring out that you werent on the right path. Keep trying different roads and I just KNOW you will find the road that takes you to your goals!

Hang in there!!

Kathy said...

I noticed Oprah didn't quit trying to eat right and exercise as she tried to figure out all the emotional factors that played a part in her weight problem. I think sometimes we can become stagnant trying to "think" our way through this and forgetting to take action. I've found that a lot of the emotional weight I carried was secondary to the physical weight, and began to melt away right along with the pounds.

Just 24 hours of on-plan eating can make you feel "in control" again and empower you to move forward.

I know you can do this...your health and happiness are worth it.

Scale Junkie said...

I think that Ready Maid said it before I could "If you work on whats eating you you won't have to work on what you're eating" I'm noticing that too as I work out my "issues" food isn't becoming as important to me. Exercise is something I"m really liking and missing when I can't do it. Its a process. I know that when the only sweet snack I have in the house is fruit, I pick fruit, if I have candy I pick candy...simple, don't buy candy and buy fruit. Stop buying white rice and white bread, only buy brown rice and whole grain bread, now I prefer them. Small steps all add up to big changes over time. You can do this my sweet friend, you can do this!!

Tori said...

Hi Patty,
I just found your blog and I can totally relate to you. My entire life I have been heavy too except for when I lost 80 lbs and then I was still 170. I have asked and tried to answer the same questions many times. I kow in my life, I'm either gaining or loosing, there's no in between with me. I have often told myself that I could be happy being fat and just living but it always seems to backfire and then I'm farther away from where I want to be then when I started. Don't give up. Maybe give WW a try again, it works and is totally manageable.
I'm pulling for you. Tomorrow's a new day! °Ü°

RunningNan said...

I agree. The small steps really do add up. I can't eat regular pasta anymore, a thing that I would eat all the time. I crave the fruits, veggies and whole grains. I was looking at the skin on my arms the other day and noticed how healthy it looks now.

Hang in there.

Nicole said...

I'll tell you what I've been doing lately (as a result of reading the Secret): I've decided I'm thin. I am thin and I can picture in my mind's eye how I look. I revel in my thin body and what it can do. I am thin and healthy and that's the way it's going to stay!!

I also put a sticker on my mirror, and every time I see it it's a reminder for me to tell myself "I love you, Nicki." I've been doing it a couple of times a day. Can you try that, too?

Lillian said...

I think that we should take small steps to improve our health. Crash diets only cause rebound weight gain and lose of health and self-esteem. One has to take small steps to become healthier. I did the crash diet thing as a teen and all it did was make me miserable.

The US government has a small step program with a hundred ideas to make small changes in your life. A number of their suggestions seem rather simplistic and foolish. However, use it to make changes that work for you. I find that avoiding HCFS is a small change that makes a big difference in my life. I have no craving for sweets now. Pies, cakes, cookies, etc no longer taste good. They seem flavorless compared to fruit and vegetables.

I find that working out about 45 minutes a day at a pace that is just above comfortable. It’s slow enough that I don’t hyperventilate or sweat, but fast enough that I feel that I’m pushing myself. I find that I’m building muscle at this pace and I have more energy for the rest of the day. If I push harder, I don’t have the energy for the rest of the day. I also take walks once or twice a week.

I track what I eat on paper. I did it on computer for awhile but the software I used tracked too many things and I felt like I was obsessing weight portions and tracking each bite of food that I put in my mouth. With paper, I don’t need to weigh things like low calorie density vegetables. I can measure portions of only the foods that I’m likely to overeat like bread and just write down the other foods so I know if I’m getting enough vitamins, minerals, protein, and essential fatty acids.

My small steps might not be yours. I found cutting all junk food my diet outside a treat once or twice a month as doable and rather easy to implement. To me cutting out all ‘junk’ food was very easy as long as I can have a treat every two weeks or even less often.

My definition of junk food is probably stricter than yours. I count all things with sugar added outside bread and hot cereal. All chips. Prepackage meals and meat substitutes. Then, I’m a cook.