What Do You See?

Could we change our attitude,
we should not only see life differently,
but life itself would come to be different.
~ Katherine Mansfield

I received the nicest email from Terry, a fellow blogger who creates the most amazing quilts. I hope to one day be half the quilter she is! Check out her Quilt Nut blog to see the incredible work she produces.

I asked for and received her permission to share her email on my blog. She said:

I love your positive attitude and it is something I work on everyday. I was born a pessimist and am trying to become an optimist with a positive attitude. I have made progress but it is hard. I fight it daily. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

First of all, thank you for your kind words, Terry! I am very proud of you, and those out there like you who work hard to look at things in a positive light. It isn’t always easy, but choosing to see things differently is half the battle.

I am by nature a fairly optimistic, positive person. I’ve even been accused of being perky (there are much worse titles to wear, in my humble opinion!) But those who know me well know that optimism is something I’ve had to hone over the years. I have down times when all I can see is the darkness and the sadness in life. I wouldn’t be human if that weren’t the case.

Twelve years ago, I was married to a wonderful man who was my best friend. We’d been married for sixteen years when he came to me and said he could no longer deny the fact that he was gay. We spent about a year trying to work things out, each of us in therapy, to accommodate what he needed and what I needed. At the end of that time, we knew our marriage was over and we split. I’m now happily remarried (to a delightfully straight man!) and my ex and I are still dear friends to this day.

I make it sound so easy, don’t I? It wasn’t – believe me.

He was my other half, my soul mate, my dearest friend. The thought of losing him as my husband brought thoughts of suicide, and even of a sex change (hey, if it meant not losing him, I was game! Thank goodness, his saner head prevailed!) My ailing mother was living with us at the time, and my marriage was literally falling apart. I was searching for ways to feel like I had some control over my destiny.

One day at the gym, I heard a new song being played overhead by an artist I didn’t know. It was Alanis Morissette singing, “You Learn.” Her lyrics caught my attention…

I, recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone…
I, recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone…
I, recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time…

You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn.

I immediately ran out and bought her CD, and listened to this song over and over.

It was at that time that I started to look at my situation through different eyes. I decided that I could either become bitter over what happened, or I could become better. I could live the rest of my life the way some people do after a painful event (angry, hurt, sour on life.) Or I could grow and move forward, learning what I could from the experience. I realized that I couldn’t change anything in my situation – except my attitude.

I lost my husband, and my sweet mother passed away. We sold our home and I moved on with my life. It was an incredibly painful time, and boy, did I learn a lot about myself and what I wanted from life.

It’s about choosing to look for the good in life, choosing to find the lesson in every hard thing that comes our way. Lord knows, I’m not perfect at it. I can get on my pity-pot and really feel sorry for myself some days. But overall, I believe my life is a positive experience and because I look for the positive, that’s what I draw back into my life. It’s that whole Universal Law of Attraction idea.

So Terry, and anyone else who’s trying to be a more positive person, my advice to you is to stop the negative thoughts as soon as you’re aware of them. Ask yourself instead, “What can I learn from this?” As corny as it sounds, try to find the silver lining in everything you experience – one kernel of something positive in even the most negative incident.

I think cultivating an attitude of gratitude also helps. You can’t be grateful and negative at the same time! Look for things to feel grateful for every day. Write them down so you can visually see your blessings. This isn’t about being religious: it’s about looking for what’s right in your life, instead of what’s wrong.

Finally, remember that there truly is little in life we have total control over. We can’t control the weather; we can’t control the price of gasoline, we can’t even control how our family behaves most days! But we can control how we respond to the world, and that makes all the difference.

Always remember that Attitude Changes Everything!


Until next time…