Today is What Counts

It is our choices that show what we truly are,

far more than our abilities. ~ J.K. Rowling

First, THANK YOU to those of you who commented yesterday. I appreciate your support more than I can express. If nothing else, it feels SO good to know that I can say what I said and know that someone understands all the crazy, mixed-up feelings this journey creates.

I am feeling like the sun is shining a bit more today. I certainly know I'm not out of the woods and will face the same issue - do I want to do this or not? - again and again. But for today, I am feeling a bit more like my old optimistic self.

You know what tipped the scale (pardon the expression)? It was a conversation I'd overheard the day before. I attended an all-day planning retreat for my Master Gardener program. At one point, two women sitting by me began talking about their workouts and how one woman was just beginning a Pilate's class. Turns out that one of the women is a personal trainer. Also turns out that both these women are right around my age - and they look fabulous!

As I listened to them, I found myself thinking, "Yeah, I used to walk every single day... I used to work out with a trainer twice a week... I used to weigh 50 pounds less than I do now." But as I drove home from the meeting, I had to face the fact that what I USED to do a few years ago and what I MAY do tomorrow really don't count for much when it comes to being healthy. The only thing that truly matters is what I do TODAY.

So after I posted that poor-me entry yesterday, I put on my shoes, pulled out my iPod, and went for what turned out to be a brisk 45-minute walk. I also kept the commitment I'd made at the previous nights' weigh in: to track my food no matter what I ate. I was accountable and I kept my promise to myself. It's amazing how good that can feel.

It's a new day, a fresh start. My friend Rosemary is coming in about an hour so we can walk this morning. One foot in front of the other, and one day at a time. It sounds like a cliché, but it's sure true for me.


Until next time...

It All Comes Down to a Decision

The hardest thing to learn in life is
which bridge to cross
and which to burn. ~ David Russell

Boy, have I got a bad case of "I-don't-give-a-darn" today. Too bad, too: the sun is shining, it's warm and beautiful... I saw a rabbit by the birdbath this morning when I opened the blinds. It's a great day for taking a walk and for counting my blessings.

And all I can focus on is being fat.

I had my weight support group last night, and I was back to weighing what I did at the first of the year. I know from having done this before that I'm farting around, not really committing to losing weight. We talked about this last night, and Oprah has said it many times: it all comes down to the decision to lose weight.

I've been conducting a bit of an experiment these last two weeks. I wanted to try focusing on the walking and not on the food. But this past week, I haven't focused on anything other than eating whatever/whenever I wanted. I felt the results in my body and, more importantly, in my spirit long before I stepped on the scale last night.

I am so tired of having weight be the thing that defines me, the issue that shapes my entire life. I've fought this since I was a child and, with the exception of the two years I was thin after losing 50 pounds with Weight Watchers, I've lived my whole life as an overweight woman. I am trying to decide if I want to live whatever years I have left, beating myself up over the same issue.

Is it really possible to change my focus, to put my emphasis on walking for good health (and for Alaska!) and not worry about what the scale shows? Can I truly feel comfortable in saying, "I am an overweight woman and I love myself just as I am." Would it be possible to stop worrying about what I'm eating day in and day out, and simply enjoy the rest of my life?

I sure don't have the answers this morning, but I know that I'm awfully tired of dealing with the questions.


Until next time...

Finished is Way Better Than Perfect!

I am still learning. ~ Michelangelo

As promised some time ago, here's a photo of the log cabin block I actually stitched, instead of the photo I "borrowed" off the Internet to illustrate the point I was making in that days' post. My block is not quite as perfect: heck, mine's not perfect at all! But it's finished, and I'm very proud of it. It was my first log cabin block, and it was a booger to do!

Isn't that the way of things? If something comes easy, we may not get quite as excited when we finish. But when the task is difficult, and requires a lot of patience and perseverance, we want to shout to the stars when we reach our goal.

I know you can see where I'm going with this.

Anything we choose to do in life that's difficult is worth the effort. Losing weight, making a career change, quitting smoking, getting our spending habits under control. Taking a positive step in life is scary and requires that we be very gentle with ourselves.

It's like my quilt block: it took a long time for this beginner to create, and required all of my patience. I had to set it aside a few times and walk away. I cried once: I ripped out seams a few times. But I stuck with it and in the end, I have something I'm proud to call my own.

Michelangelo is said to have made the humble quote listed above when he was in his 80s. I figure if he can say that after all his creations and works of great art, it certainly applies to me, and maybe to you, too. I am still learning -- about good health, about wise choices, about quilting, and about life. We're all going to make mistakes along the way, but we will reach our goals -- as long as we don't give up!

Until next time...

California (Garden) Dreaming

My green thumb came only as a result

of the mistakes I made while learning to see things

from the plant's point of view. ~ H. Fred Ale

Hubby and I took a class together yesterday on basic landscape design. I must admit that it was pretty rudimentary, but I think we can always learn something new, if we allow ourselves to. I learned of a few new plants that might work well in my garden this year: Pink Breath of Heaven; Dwarf Rosemary... beautiful plants.

The nicest part of the morning was spending about 30 minutes walking around the campus, looking at various plants. We actually got to see (and smell!) the two plants mentioned above. Yes, there are many plants in bloom right now here in southern California. You should see my Camellia: it's covered in huge pink flowers! If it weren't raining right now, I'd take a photo to post.

I always feel a bit in awe at this time of year. I was born and raised in Salt Lake City where flowers don't emerge from the snow until March. When I first moved to California nine years ago this month, I couldn't grasp how people gardened in a place where it never freezes. I'm still learning all the tips and techniques, but I feel blessed to be living in such a lovely, mild climate.

So it's time to put paper to pencil and draw out a diagram for our backyard, which needs lots of help! Anyone care to come over and help me make a plan for the California garden of my dreams? I'll put the coffee on.

Until next time...

Throwing Food Away

Research tells us fourteen out of any ten

individuals likes chocolate. ~ Sandra Boynton

I just threw away twenty-eight Robin's Eggs. Twenty-eight luscious, chocolaty malt-ball eggs went down my garbage disposal. Yep, I counted them as I threw them in.

I thought about sending them to work today with hubby, but changed my mind. After he left, I knew that was a mistake because they immediately started calling my name.

I pulled out my quilting homework for tomorrow night's class, to get my mind off of the candy. But those eggs are persistent little buggers. No matter where I put them, they kept catching my eye.

I honestly thought about eating them, as I have been doing over the last few days. But last night at my weight support group, I unexpectedly dropped 1.5 pounds. What a wonderful suprise! However, I knew my behavior this week did not match that loss: it honestly was just a fluke of the scale. I also know that unless I'm careful this week, my sugary over-eating will catch up with me when I weigh next Tuesday evening.

Then we talked last night about one's ability to throw away food. It's a hard thing for some people: life lessons of wastefulness versus frugality come to mind for many. I was certainly raised by parents who were children of the Depression. I was taught to clean my plate as I thought of the starving children in Asia. But I also know that as an adult, my stomach can easily become the receptacle for more garbage than I could ever put down my disposal.

I truly want to treat myself better than that.

So just for today, I let those yummy Robins Eggs go into the sink instead of onto my hips. I'll fight that battle again, I know. But for today, I won!

How about you? Do you have a hard time throwing away food that's still edible?

Until next time...

Healthy Me Check In: WANT Power

It's so hard when I have to,

and so easy when I want to. ~ Annie Gottlier

I am giving myself a big old non-scale victory this week, for keeping my commitment to walk more often.

I've walked for 30 minutes on four out of the last nine days. I realize that I still have lots of room for improvement: I want to eventually walk every day. But just for today, I'm not going to worry about that. I'm going to celebrate my achievement. Yay Me!

There is a lot of talk within weight loss circles about motivation and willpower. But you know what I think the secret is? It's about wanting something so much that nothing can stand in your way. Think of any toddler you know: when they get their mind set on having something, nothing stops then from trying over and over to get what they want. This isn't WILL power: it's WANT power.

It's the same with us. I've felt rather wishy-washy about exercising until we made the decision to go to Alaska. Now, more than anything, I want to be fit enough to be able to enjoy the great outdoors. Notice I didn't say, "thin enough." That's not my goal, although I know losing weight will be a by-product of my efforts (if I stop eating all the extra treats - see yesterday's post!)

I have Alaska clearly in mind as I head out the door to walk. That goal helps push harder and pump my arms more, and to almost enjoy the idea that I'm sweating like crazy (yuck!) The thought of Alaska is actually making me consider - gasp! - going back to the gym so I can start strength training again, which I once loved doing.

As my quote for today says, "It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." So here's my question to you:

What do you want more than anything?

Let's embrace our inner two-year-old and let nothing stand in our way!

Until next time...

Sugar, Sugar

Vegetables are a must on a diet.

I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread,

and pumpkin pie. ~ Jim Davis

I am eating waaaaay too much sugar lately. You know how that goes: the more sugar you eat, the more of it crave. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. The worst part is that right now, I don't seem very interested in breaking the habit. I've been trying to figure out what that's happening. And I've begin to wonder...

Is it because I'm walking more?

When I decided last week to start getting stronger for Alaska, I said I was going to put my focus on exercise and not worry quite so much about diet. After all, if I can hike all over the Kenai Peninsula six months from now, would I care if the scale hasn't budged from what it reads today? Does the number matter as long as I can be as active as I desire?

The answer, in theory, is no.

But the reality is something very different.

When I don't focus on eating healthy, I get way off track with my eating. Out-of-control, who-gives-a-damn kind of off track. It's as if the little girl inside me starts jumping up and down, saying, "Yippee! I get to eat whatever I want!" The result is that I've had more sugar headaches and food hangovers this week than I've had in a long time.

I also wonder if that little girl inside me -- or perhaps it's the cunning adult within! -- is saying, "You know, you're moving more now. That frees you up to be able to eat what you want. Trust me on this."

So, the good news is that I walked three times this past week, which is 100% more than I've been doing. The bad news is that I'm not training for a marathon! Walking three times doesn't offset the poison I've been putting into my body.

I seem to have forgotten the second part of the "secret" formula for losing weight:

Move a little more and eat a little LESS!

Until next time...